Name: Mountain Momma (Mike)
Subject: stupid article
Message: Get your head out of your sorry ass...
Dear Mike,
Your email makes us wonder why WVU wasn't invited to join the ACC.
-TF
Name: Jason
Subject: Hillbillies?
Message: To whomever wrote the article badmouthing WVU and others that are "lucky" enough to get to play this powerhouse of a football team known as Va. Tech. Grow up. All of the cheap shots in that article almost override the "missed calls" by the ACC officials in Sat. game. I am not going to take cheap shots at Blacksburg or Va. Tech fans. I am basically going to state the facts and that should say it all. First, you say our mascot is weak, a rugged mountaineer with a musket is a hell of a lot more intimidating than a turkey with no testicles. Try winning the war on terror with a turkey and a cannon. Also, doesnt Blacksburg sit right in the middle of farm country? There are rednecks everywhere pal and to call us a bunch of hillbilly,dumbass rednecks is calling yourself that as well. We come from the same topography and demographic areas. Do me this favor. Go to your local admissions office and research the amount of West Virginia natives enrolled at Va. Tech and try to explain to them the logic of calling there grandpas,uncles,cousins, fathers, brothers,hillbillyrednecks. Im sure that since they now consider themselves Virginians that they will take no offense. But just try it out. Also the parody of Country Roads is the cheapest shot of all. Once again we border a each other there pal, You are not that different from me other than the fact that I have the common sense to keep my mouth shut. Feel free to contact me, in fact I challenge the author of that artilce to contact me. Or are you a turkey?
Dear Dum Dum,
Loosen up. They are called jokes. We actually thought this email was a joke from one of our friends until we verified your address. Your email does more to ridicule West Virginia than we ever could, but we will try anyway.
Stop taking our column so seriously. It offends us. This column is, at best, an amateur attempt at satire, and, at worst, a pleasant alternative to TPS reports. We realize satire is a very big word for a WVU grad, but it seems you have some type of Internet access; look it up. We are really worried about you. Why are you so angry? Is this a childhood issue? Have you considered therapy? Buck up little camper, you are 4-1. That's not bad for a Big East team.
Before we continue, let's address the numerous grammatical errors in your email. (1) It is "To whoever wrote the article" not "To whomever wrote the article." The entire clause "whoever wrote the article" is the object of the preposition "to." (2) An apostrophe is required when using contractions. It's next to the enter key. (3) The space bar is that giant bar on the bottom of your keyboard. It is a great place to rest your thumbs and is also useful in putting spaces between words. (4) There and their do not mean the same thing. (5) Prepositions are not interchangeable. For example, you cannot enroll at Va. Tech. You can, however, enroll in Va. Tech at Burruss Hall. (6) Spell check is the button on the toolbar with the letters and the check mark. A, B, and C are examples of letters for your future reference. (7) You meant to use geographic not demographic. Geographic refers to an area, demographic refers to a population. Bonus points, though, for your use of topography and parody.
Next, please allow us to address several of your comments and concerns. If you had read the column closely you would recall that we directly stated: "It’s not just the Musketeer’s 3-3-5 stack defense that is scary; it’s their dumbass redneck fans. We can say this because we are Va. Tech….we have our fair share of dumbass redneck fans." However, our dumbass redneck fans rarely attempt to light their possessions or visiting fans on fire. We already have received one report that a band of native West Virginia supporters actually ate a Va. Tech fan on Saturday. You must agree this is a bit much. As far as mascots go, while you have no cause to regularly read the column, if you did, you would find we regularly poke fun at our mascot. It is the most ridiculous mascot ever. That's why we love him so much. When your mascot is a giant, cartoonish bird, you get to make fun of everyone else's. It's in the Bible (Deuteronomy 8:2). Also, the HokieBird does have testicles, we checked. In your email you state, "You are not that different from me other than the fact that I have the common sense to keep my mouth shut." You sent us a 19-sentence email. How in the world is that keeping your mouth shut? Please tell us you are not enrolled in WVU Law.
Instead of wasting your time emailing us, you should be preparing for your next game. You are @Rutgers this week. The worst thing about the ACC is not getting to pound Rutgers every year. Now get some Prozac and go cheer on the Mountaineers.
Have a couch and a smile.
-TF
Name: Kirk
Subject: WVU-esque fan behavior
Message: Can your next update tackle the issue of our WVU-esque fan behavior as of late? My point is that we're slowly turning into the couch-burning hillbillies we loathe so much. I just want to get the word out there that this crap needs to be stopped, and I figured what better venue to disseminate dissatisfaction with this than you guys. Furthermore, I graduated this past May, so it's not like I'm some old guy complaining about the "youngins". Personally though, I'm embarrassed by my peers. Take care, and Go Hokies.
Wow, "disseminate dissatisfaction." It's literature week at Tailgate Fever. Kirk makes an interesting point. There is a very fine line between being hardcore intimidating fans and bad fans. For the most part, we do it well, but there is some recent concern that we are becoming a little too cocky and a little too obscene. We think this is not true, but the point is be conscious of this and find the balance. You can rattle opposing players without crossing the line and you can raise hell in the stadium without offending small children. If you are friendly to your neighbors and try to limit your use of the most obscene profanity, you should be OK. But ALWAYS be nice to visiting fans. Rip on them, but do it in a good-natured way. Visitors should always feel welcome to see their team get pounded in Lane Stadium. Our opponents fear our stadium and respect our fans. That's because we have some of the best and most knowledgeable fans in the country. And we respect good play. We don't make whiney excuses (such as "those ACC refs screwed us with bad calls" – see Dum Dum's email). When you do heckle players, humor is much funnier than rude. Last week we got a Ga. Tech lineman and an assistant coach to laugh at us. That is real heckling and endears you to your neighbors for later in the season when you accidentally drop drunken F-bombs in front of their five-year-old nephew. So, Kirk is right, be good fans. Holy crap, we've turned into Jim Weaver.
I must say the helmets worn by Wisconsin must be the worst looking helmets in the country. I think they rank right up there with the yellow Oregon uniforms. -Seth
Seth, we almost completely forgot about the Fighting Hi-Liters. What the hell are the Badgers thinking? Two giant Ws on the front and back of their helmets? All game long, all we could think about was Where’s Waldo?, Woodrow Wilson, and William Wordsworth. Double reversal, drink three. We can only pray this results in our bringing back the white helmets with the orange state of Virginia on them. -TF
Just an FYI – I wait for your Thursday updates! Have I finished my lecture for my afternoon class? No. Is this more important, highly entertaining and commanding my attention? Absolutely. Priorities, people. Priorities. -Kim
Kim, where the hell were you when we were in school? The children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. The future of tailgating is in good hands. -TF
Hey, remember when you printed “Jeff Gomulinski is the worst punter in the Big East, hello DeAngelo Hall” and he was the whole reason BC beat VT that game, punting the ball 71 yards over Hall’s head, hushing the loudest crowd in football, making Vinnie Burns look like a fool? Yeah, good reporting!! -Pete
Dear Pete,
You are an idiot. No we don’t remember that. It was two years ago. Unlike your crap-ass program, we don’t cling to victories from 2003. But that’s pretty funny stuff, so I’m sure we wrote it. And, as we recall, Gomulinski did suck. Wonder what ever happened to him. I bet the CFL has been calling daily. Don’t kid yourself, Gomulinski didn’t beat us, we beat ourselves. That was the fourth game of a five game tailspin that included a one-point victory over Temple. Managing to beat a team that could barely handle Temple is nothing to be proud of. You’ve beaten us three times in twelve years, Superfan. We owned you in the Big East; expect more of the same.
-TF
How about Eddie Royal for No Mere Mortal status? Bench-pressing more than twice his body weight. Gentry says he’s the best lifter pound for pound that he’s seen in 19 years. Imagine having to bump him at the line of scrimmage and then get up to catch him. -Boomer
Boomer, we appreciate your enthusiasm, but you can’t hand out NMM like Halloween candy. Eddie is great, but lifting twice his weight isn’t so impressive when you consider the guy is a buck thirty soaking wet. Royal is one of our favorites, but it takes a lot more than our love and a 260 bench press to be immortal. -TF
Hey, can you post a picture of Jaquays? I want to hang a picture of him on my wall. -Wendy
Dear Wendy,
We get many of these requests. Unfortunately, to avoid destroying the personal lives of our readers, we do not provide women (or men) with photos of Jaquays. You wouldn’t be able to handle it. Instead, here’s a picture of Clay Henry. Enjoy.
-TF
I would like to formally request that Bryan Randall receive No Mere Mortal status. He was the 2004 ACC Player of the Year, led VT to an ACC Championship and a Sugar Bowl berth, and became VT’s all-time leading passer in yards and TDs. -Chad
Just an inquiry, I would not deem to question the magi of Hokie-dom, but are you considering Bryan Randall for NMM status? Also, did O’Connell really name his dog Suggs because I was going to name my next kid that and now it is taken? -Jason
Wow, the NMM nominations are flowing this year. No, we are not considering Bryan Randall for No Mere Mortal status. He just wasn’t that type of superior player. Don’t get us wrong, we love Randall. He is our second favorite Tech quarterback of all-time. If you read our past columns, especially from the 2003 season, you will see our support for him never wavered despite his shortcomings (happy feet, eagerness to take sacks, difficulty checking off to receivers). His play was outstanding the second half of last season, and he deserves the honors he received, but he is not currently being considered for NMM. It is important to note that all-time records are not a great judge when you consider that seasons are now 14 games long counting championship games and bowl games and that the NCAA recently started including both in season and career statistics. So, whereas Don Strock could only compile statistics in 10 games each year, Randall had 14 in some seasons. Having said all that, the best compliment Randall deserves is that of gentleman and scholar, of which he is both.
Answering Jason’s second question, yes O’Connell did in fact name his dog Suggs. Although his registered name is actually VickTorian Suggs (VT Suggs). Suggs rocks, but don’t leave him alone with your couch during the Virginia game.
-TF
I was introduced to your site last year when some old man I worked with had a son that went to Tech. Anyway, I find it rather humorous and I thought my friends and I might be able to help out with the Girl’s Guide to Tailgating because (1) we went to Tech, (2) we actually LIKE football and know how to make every orange and maroon tailgate snack possible, and (3) we can probably drink more beer faster than you. -Liz
Dear Liz,
If by probably, you mean ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE, then we agree. Books have been written about our drinking. If not, bring it on. We welcome your suggestions for the Girl’s Guide to Tailgating. In fact, we welcome everyone to send in their thoughts and later in the season, we will issue a compilation column of your comments. We think you specifically have great potential for witty ideas because your #3 comment was so funny. Great use of hyperbole.
-TF
The only drawback I can find so far with living on the West Coast, is the time difference and dealing with watching football at different hours. When everyone back east is complaining about noon kickoffs, remember we have to party through the night in order to make the 9AM kickoff. -Tim
West Coast? Please. Snoop over Jay-Z? No chance. No one should have to suffer through a 9AM kickoff, which means it’s only a matter of time before Weaver gets this bright idea. Poor Marshall fans. Their home game this week vs. Kansas State kicks off at 10:30AM. There ought to be a law. -TF
We received this email from loyal reader, Ed:
Bud Light Presents Real Men of UVA:
Today, we salute you, Mr. Constant Collar Putter Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold back of the neck. Sure, your pink alligator shirt may look feminine to some, but not to the other 17 Wahoos wearing the same thing at the bar. Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where it’s okay for a man to go tanning. You ask, “Why can’t we wear make-up and use shampoo with lavender essence?” So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Mr. Abercrombie & Fitch, because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one…in your man purse.
